Valentine's Day 2015- Party of One-derful!!!

Awwww, Valentine’s Day. 

The day that most folks are out spending time with their honey bunny and eating overpriced chocolate hearts and just really making it hard on a single gal. Everywhere I turned this weekend, there were folks holding hands and sharing PDA’s. Even the nail salon was full of couples! I called myself taking my mind off of the romance drought by treating myself to a pedicure but nope! Even there, people were getting COUPLE’S pedicures as the nail tech drew hearts of lotion on everyone’s legs at the conclusion of their appointment. Gag me, please!!!!

This would not have even mattered not so long ago. I counted and realized that I have ALWAYS had a valentine. And by always, I mean from high school til 2013. Count that with me…..I’ll wait….that’s right—that’s 15 years of consecutive roses and cards and candy and jewelry and emails and love notes and teddy bears. Not a bad run, if I say so myself. Not a bad run until now, that is! This is year two of the drought and if you can imagine the way a 4 year old looks after going to the toy store with her parent and leaving the store empty-handed---that’s about how my grown-up tantrum looks right now.

This, dear reader, is very humbling. Humbling, because I have played around with the sentence “There’s somebody out there for everybody,” for a long time. But if that’s true, ummmm, where is MY somebody? But it’s not only humbling, it is eye-opening. Here’s why: when I look back on how I spent those 15 Valentine’s days, if I can be honest, a good 10 of them were with passers-by, men who I knew I had no business dating because we had little in common to build a future on, and men who I accepted their Valentine invitation just to fill the time on this man-made holiday of “love.” You don’t have to say it I will: I was lonely. And loneliness is the seed that breeds the fruit of desperation. You don’t have to say that one either, I will: I was desperate. “Pick me, choose me, love me,” seems like I have spent all my life from birth (paternal abandonment) to adulthood wildly waving my hand in the air for someone, anyone, to call on me and say, “I pick you, I choose you, I love you.” Sad, but true. Having to really bite down and chew on the truth will show you yourself in a way you never expected.

One of my acquaintances calls this time of year “cuffing” season. It is the time of year from November (Thanksgiving) to February (Valentine’s Day) when everybody gets “booed up” or all of sudden attached to someone.  Well, this is year two of my solo cuffing season and spending so much time with me (all of my girlfriends conveniently ended up with boyfriends by the second week of December) has been very enlightening.

Times of personal transition are rarely comfortable and that’s all I could remind myself on Saturday. I searched for happy thoughts. “At least you’re not getting all dressed up to laugh at someone’s jokes that we both know aren’t funny,” I quipped. “At least you’re not wasting a good pair of heels and a baaaaad dress on a clown you KNOW you’re not really interested in.” So, guess what? I put on my baaaaaaad skirt and a good pair of boots for ME! And ME made plans to go to karaoke and sing my frustration away. I did not call any exes and try to make them realize why I’m a great catch (though goodness knows I was tempted). I did not sit at home and reminisce about what could have been. I did not put on a parade of chick flicks and cry myself into oblivion. I realized something. I like me. I mean I actually like my quirky idiosyncrasies, that I get excited over the little things, that I laugh too big and too loud, that I’d rather read 3 books at Starbucks than shop at the mall, most of the clothes I own are black, brown or pink, that I eat dessert for breakfast every day, that I’m a beast in the kitchen but hate to clean, and that I literally sing everything---phone numbers, ingredients, to-do lists, I sing EVERYTHING and ALL the time. The me that was so desperate for attention that I was willing to lower my standards and date, well, anybody, was a me that didn’t know herself, let alone like herself.   Spending so much time alone will do that to you.

Now, let me clarify two things. I did have some Valentine’s day offers, but I am just at a place where I would rather sit across the table from an empty chair and enjoy my own company than to laugh at one more joke that just is not funny…..  {“What do this building and a dog have in common?” One guy asked. “What?” I replied. “Roof,” he barked. Ummm, waiter!….check please!} And 2. I am in no way saying, ‘I have arrived.” I am not saying that I am totally healed or totally “together,” but I do think I am on my way.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all you!!!!